The Fascination Of Fear

Further inquiry into fear, deeply digging into and facing solidly and willing to continue deeper, questioning "what's this, is this the truth?" is easier then running from this unseen, unperceived, mind created enemy. When the light of inquiry is shone on fear, it becomes a crying baby with a wet diaper, a two year old with a temper tantrum, a teen with rage... and they're all the same. Paradoxically, turning and facing fear, embracing it, giving it space to be is exactly what dissolves it and we see that it is only a thin disguise. Fear is a disguise ego wears to prevent us from knowing that who we truly are is vast emptiness. The formless space from which all form arises.

This Morning

As I was doing the dishes, I looked up into the big mirror that hangs over the sink. Rarely, do I look at myself in a gentle, non-critical way. It was so sponataneous, a glance up, I caught my eye. There I saw looking back at me someone deeper then just that face that I've known all my life as me defined by my stories. Those eyes were brimming over with compassion and a love so deep that even the word love trivializes it. I realized at the moment that it has taken so many disguises to recognize the "I am".  As my heart broke open, I truly realized that this I am is vast beyond imagination and that all that is is embraced and held as sacred.

I can't write any more. Trying to put this in words is like trying to measure the love of a mother for her child. Infinite.

Dancing With Fear

Inspired by Gangaji's words, "...so usual and so tragic that to avoid a broken heart, people live in a state of broken heartedness..." this poem was worded.

Dance With Fear

Face and embrace the fear. 

Hold her tight.

Hold her near.

Dance with her.

In trembling body, I see

That fear is dancing in step with me.

She serves me well.

Survived and here to tell.

That I can let my heart break open.

Closed shut is living hell. 

Facing The Fear; Awakening To The Truth

Late into the night and again awake in the earlier morning hours, self inquiry beckoned further.  At one waking, I woke to a shaking which mind thought was an earthquake but was a soul shake.

Stop and face it. Hold this fear up to your eyes and look at it. Examine what it tastes like, smells like, feels like, experience it, penetrating to the very core of being; the fear has obscured that sweetness that is truth. There in my hand, on my tongue, "I am not enough!" What simplicity in that! The very heart of the truth is that I, alone, am not enough. Stop searching for something or someone to make me feel enough, I embrace "not enoughness".

All my life has brought me to this and likely will again. But neither will I turn away nor will I seek to find enoughness anywhere other then where it is here right now.

Expecting The Unexpected

The nature of the fall (& yes spring as well) is that I really have the opportunity to experience the changeability of weather not just on a daily level but note change that is tangibly very clearly happening in the moment. I look on my i-phone to see what the "experts" say will happen on the weather front.  I look outside. I see clouds and rain or not. I step outside. I sniff the air for dryness or moisture. I feel the temperature of the air on my skin, perhaps drops of rain touching my skin. I feel the movement of the air in all its dynamics of stillness or not-stillness. Then, just as I decide rain gear is not needed or perhaps is... it changes.  This very curiosity of what to wear or not is the same curiosity I can use to investigate the nature of my own inner landscape, inner weather. Some changes great, grand and fast moving, others more subtle. All beckoning a further query of "and then".

Envisioning The Vision Board

The blue poster board had a prominent position on my floor for a number of weeks. It was the space being made for an inspiration ~ a vision board. Inspired by the Buddha's words, "All that we are is the result of what we have thought," and the book "The Vision Board, The Secret To An Extraordinary Life", I began collecting ideas and images. The vision statement In Joy Now came from an Eckhart Tolle talk. Some of the photos are my own, the eye collage is a favourite created by Greg, other images were sourced from the wonderful world of google images. Looking at the board, images glued on, words added with markers and paints, I realize that the personal vision includes a cosmic vision. The little self wants to live in a world where we all live in accordance with the absolute truths. Love. Peace. Compassion. Silence. Freedom. Balance. The footsteps on this path are green in honour of the care and kindness needed to sustain our lives on this beautiful blue green planet. Gazing at The Vision Board fills my heart with joy and a sense of playful creation.

The Way Of The Worm

Today, I am grateful for the worms who make their home in my worm box. In a most simple and amazing way, as a digestive tube, these lovely beings take my scraps, process them through their bodies and reward with castings. What a wonderful symbiotic relationship!

My task was to take the rich castings from the worm box while leaving my little friends to eat another day. I simply dug in, with both hands, picking out the wigglers and lifting them back into their home. 

The worm castings nourish all vegetation. Today, April May June the Japanese Maple reaped the benefits of the worm's recycling skills. I love the cyclical nature of our world.