Having spent much of life go, go, going and do, do doing, this feeling or sense of the last few weeks has eluded me. What’s happening the ego asks and then labels “sadness”; this being is sad, depressed. Then last evening sitting in meditation, there was a recognition below the surface, even beyond words, although it will need to be worded to share, that what was being experienced was “emptiness”. With curiosity and continuing to sit with it, i investigate this “emptiness”.
To say what it is, i will start with what it is not. It is not a feeling of hopelessness, apathy or lack or purposelessness or, perhaps at this moment, even fear. It does not feel like a gasping for understanding. This emptiness really is, and again using words i will attempt to flavor this experience, simply not knowing. It is a sense of “i don’t know” strongly augmented with a feeling of spaciousness. Still sitting, consciousness focused inward, empty of expectation, curiosity feels further. As Jon Kabat Zinn describes, like sneaking up on a small animal in the forest, lying behind a log.
It is an invitation to just be with what is, effortless effort. What is deeper then the i don’t know”, the “emptiness”? There is a sense of “all is well”. Exploring deeper, a fearlessness, nods to me, beckons me. And, if i were to anthropomorphize this, it as a wordless sense of “come sit with me, lovingly hold this “emptiness” in your heart with no expectation of answer or resolve”. i don’t even know what the question is.
Sitting still, eyes open, glance out the window, drops of water splash down from a gutter on to wooden lattice. At first, drop shaped, defined as each, they bounce, becoming smaller droplets then spraying away from the centre of impact. A tear wells up, trickles down my cheek and splashes into my lap. The cry of a seagull punctuates the moment.
i don’t know