This body mind connection seems to be going through another profound change. Seems the last mask started before Fraser was born, when I was pregnant, is now becoming exposed. At that time, something began percolating in the subconscious. I became aware of the seed of this emerging disguise, my eyes were attracted by the same sex. I felt this stirring inside of me.
As it grew stronger and was eventually acted out with infidelity, this being believed or perhaps justified the behaviour by remembering the same sex attraction, mostly of others towards me, in my childhood. Looking back, it is easy to see how this stream of sexual cognizance (or confusion?) began to take root.
Naturally, the seed of sexuality starts at conception, it is nurtured and grows, until at puberty it reaches fruition. For this being, as a survivor of both sexual abuse and much sexual impropriety, this seeding, rooting, growing beneath the subconscious and then blossoming into the consciousness was, with apologies for a mixed metaphor, short circuited. Were the odd behaviors simply the natural exploration of childhood or were they a distortion of “what happened”? Likely this will never be known, what is apparent though is that a dysfunctional way of socializing and communicating with the world has been the cause of huge angst. Beneath the jolly, “earth mother” and the “cute” tom-boy, there was much suffering.
Was the foray into the relationships with the same sex a response to this? Did this sexual realization provide a place of safety? Or were the relationships with women a way for me to save my own “mother” who I projected on others? Or perhaps was this an inclination hidden that had now been discovered? A guess would be that it was all this and more.
This existence includes all things; all joy, all horror. All of what happens and the response to what happens lay the foundation for navigating the world with the outward eye. It is a world where appearance matters more then substance, it is where the surface aspect of a being appears as “self-serving”, “placating”, “victimized”, “entitled”, “abusive” to name only a few.
For much of my life, there was an inkling that this was not real; that what was valued was superficial, an illusion. This is the stirring of spirituality, awakening, self-realization. God or whatever you choose to name the unnameable. At times in this earthly existence this search has been a desperate one, a search for mentors or sacred knowledge that would help me realize the truth of who I really am.
Certainly, this search has provided valuable lessons enroute. The mistake, the simple error has been in the belief that I was on a journey elsewhere be it in consciousness, the energetic level or the physical. Our language couched in a belief of existence as linear, as a path from here to there, is on a absolute level and using the same linear terminology, as far from the truth as we can get.
I am both what I am searching for and at the same time running away from. (It is difficult to move away from the use of linear language.) Gangaji’s “Diamond In Your Pocket” is a sticky pointer that has coalesced all the searching into one simple, clear instruction, that she received from her teacher Papaji, and was transmitted to Papaji by Ramana. Stop; be still. Eckhart’s reminder of now is the same pointer. Ram Dass's book title "Be Here Now" is also a strong indicator. (You think, lol.)
All self aware beings have pointed to this simple truth. Most beings, I believe, yearn for the truth. In this western world, our gaze has lit on what we believe is out there. Somehow we have been confused into believing that “stuff” is what matters. Begin within. There lies true you. As science and spirituality merge in awareness, we have learned that matter begins with energy. All is energy. All has the potential to manifest as matter. What does this mean to our mixed up world, to our abuse of our home and one another, it simply means to be still. The truth of who we are is right here, right now.
What does this dissertation have to do with the changes I am going through? This life with its apparent trials and tribulations, errors and successes, joy and suffering is all just a game of awakening. True self hides and in a life time of physical existence, we search until we realize that what we have longed for has always been here; we are it.